First of all, fucking hell, I am not only a piratess, I am a pirate princess now. I newly discovered I have royal Italian ancestors, getting the documents sent soon. But that's not what I want to talk about here.
What I actually want to talk about, is self discovery. I committed to it and there is nothing anymore that can excite me more. It's not about a superficial selfie-culture though, it's not about narcissism, on the contrary, it's about what was written above the oracle of delphi: gnothi seauton - know thyself.
I am asking myself all my life: Who am I? More than I have ever tried to become some profession or learn certain skilles, I wanted to know what makes me me, and what differs me from other people. I never knew. I really never understood. A big part of that problem was my heritage, I did not know half of my ancestory, and that fact left a huge black hole in me that i was never able to fill with anything I did. I tried a lot. Some things worked less, some things more. But the effect of it was above all things: I became curious and wanted to discover EVERYTHING. Literally every single thing in the whole world. Fuck and that was a bit too much. Discovery overkill. It was just not possible. In every litte thing i tried to find something, find me, become someone, become me, maybe. Not, not possible, I'm telling you.
So, at a certain point I realized that I wouldn't have a chance and did the opposite, i got into all kinds of philosophies that are telling you to look inwards and learned a lot of skills that helped me do just that, in a very, believe me, very, intense way. It was painful. It was hard. But, damn it was good. Fuck I cried a lot. A lot lot. And every time I had cried I felt like I've had a shower - for my soul. I cried it all out. All the shittyness that I carried on my inside, where I never looked, where I never thought there could be anything to discover, what could be there, all I know from that place on my inside was a huge black hole, that wanted to be filled.
But - Slowly - Slowly - It - Got - Smaller - Step - By - Step - The - More - I - Looked - Inside. Hell Yeah. You have no Idea how much work that was and how fucking good it feels to have that done - and still continuing doing it. Crazy shit I love crying so much now! It feels sooo good and relieving. And it's just a part of my soul cleansing rituals that i do just for myself and because i like it. And believe it or not - my surrounding changed. It's still the same world that I want to discover (yeah, still, I haven't changed, remember, I am still the same me, with all my sarcasm and healthy badassness) but everything became easy. I mean, haha, I still have no money and all that, but emotionally I feel - like the pirate princess that I am now! But most of all, and that's what I want to actually say, It gave me a sense of purpose and meaning. I stopped following the rules of society that are in my oppinion in many cases pretty meaningless and started to find my own meaning, which I was and still am desperately longing for. What is life without a purpose, really? What is life without discovery? What is life without magic? I think, and I really believe that in the meantime, that the knowledge of the self is essential for a sense of purpose and a positive impact on one's surrounding.
So. That's what - apparently - I live for, I learned in the last few years. Who knew! :D Haha. Not me. The girl wo went out to see the world and came back as the pirate princess. <3
Lots of bussis my dears and tell me some stuff sometimes
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